Chicago Cubs: 10 teasing things we learned this spring

(Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)
(Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images) /

The wait for Opening Day is making us all punchy. For a comedic break, enjoy this Top 10 List from the Chicago Cubs training camp.

It seems like we can’t wait for spring training to get here. And then we can’t wait for it to be over while we’re ready for the season to start. There are only so many names you can see and say “Who’s he”? You should probably get to know most of them, but we understand.

At this point, players and fans are tired of exhibition games. We just finally want the season to start next Thursday, March 29. Until then, here’s a tongue-in-cheek recap of the 10 most important things we learned this spring about the Cubs.

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Every player profiled came to spring training in the best shape of his career. Even Clark the Mascot reported in fighting shape. Or was that Jed Hoyer?

  • Kyle Schwarber’s 1.233 OPS proves spring stats are completely meaningful.
  • Mike Freeman’s 1.115 OPS proves spring stats are completely meaningless.
  • The Cubs’ Sloan Park in Mesa was not named after Sloan Peterson from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Still, expect to pay North Shore prices for seats and a decent dog.
  • Jake Arrieta has the best penmanship for someone with a nearly illegible autograph.
  • Dismissing a World Series hangover, Houston Astros’ Dallas Keuchel totally punked the Cubs. “We’re not the Cubs. I firmly believe we have better players.” This from the worst starting pitcher in last year’s World Series who didn’t tip his pitches.
  • Joe Maddon’s new use of art as a teaching tool is pure genius, even if seven of 10 baseball players don’t get half the jokes in the movie Major League.
  • It’s a consensus. Cubs coach Mike Borzello is the “best-kept secret weapon in baseball.” (Or was.) Apparently, no one else breaks down opposing video like Borzello. Unless you count the Astros’ staff, who figured out the simple way Darvish tipped his pitches.
  • Dillon Maples is the new Pierce Johnson/Rob Zastryzny/Duane Underwood. I.e., our annual candidate to be Theo’s first homegrown pitcher to really contribute to the parent club. Or just wake me when Little or Lange are ready.
  • Willson Contreras

    avoided any vulgarities around young fans. Proving what is said at the Cubs Convention

    Kids Only Press Conference

    , stays at the Kids Only Press Conference.

    Next: Schwarber deserves success in 2018

    And there you have it. A little something to brighten your day while we wait for Opening Day. Just remember, what good is it if you can’t laugh at yourself?