Monotonous distractions for Cubs fans as the lockout continues

Like many Cubs fans I’m worried about the upcoming season due to the seeming (though hopefully temporary) impasse that has mired the talks. It looks as if there is little chance our beloved sport will start on time this year, or even if games will be played at all.

It doesn’t look like talks are going well.

In the meantime I’d like to offer you some “useful” activities that you can do to while away the time while waiting for better news about the talks. Here are three of them:

Number One

Practice long division using six, seven, or eight digit numbers ending in three zeros, divided by random three digit numbers less than 800. Round all answers to the second decimal. For example, you could divide 34,550,000 by 567 (the answer is 60,934.74). This will help you more easily calculate the per at-bat salary of your favorite players when baseball resumes again.

Number Two

If math isn’t your thing, how about this? Watch television with the set on mute and no closed captioning. It’s practice in reading lips. That way when we’re able to watch games again, you’ll be better able to figure out exactly what your team’s manager said to the umpire to get him tossed from the game. Or you can learn what the first base coach said to the base runner that made him laugh.

Number Three

This suggestion is especially for Cubs fans. Buy a book about seagulls and study their descriptions and the photos very carefully. Obviously this exercise is intended to give you a better knowledge base about the birds who swarm down on Wrigley in the late innings. Diligent effort may be very rewarding in that you will be able to recognize the individual seagulls: “Look, there’s Fred in center field again!” or “Here come Betty swooping in to check out an empty popcorn bag!”

Naming the individual birds is, of course, optional.

You’re welcome to use the advice I’ve offered

These are only a few of the many things that can be done to survive this terror-filled time. I’m certain that  you inventive and imaginative fans of the Cubbies out there can come up with your own ideas .

In the meantime I hope I have offered you some practical suggestions to help other rabid Cubs fans like me survive these unsettling hours. It’s tough spending days waiting for the news that an agreement has been reached. Imagine the relief we’ll all feel then.

I’m offering these suggestions without charge but I would appreciate consideration of a modest increase to my Social Security. Something to start in the range of $10,000 to $30,000 a year would be very welcome. Go Cubs!