Chicago Cubs’ Kyle Schwarber’s walk-off sets Twitter on fire

Chicago Cubs: Big kids like to catch game balls too!

Listen, I’m no spring chicken. After 50 years of life, I’m bringing my glove to the game – mainly for protection. However, if I’m fortunate enough ever to catch my first home run ball from the Cubs, it’s going home with me.  A walk-off home run ball? I’ll throw those kids in center field or have my cousin Joey do it! These kids can’t even spell half the players’ names on the team! Why should I give the first ball I ever catch at a Cub’s game to a kid who never waited 47 years for a Championship?  I

don’t care how many brats cry in the stadium or how many social media posts call me the “Ball Bandit” or “Kiddie-Hope-Crusher” that ball is going home with me. You can try to pry it out of my cold dead fingers, but it won’t work.  In fact, that is precisely how I’m going to keep my ball: pretend I fainted. Everyone will feel so sorry for the guy with the “Buffett for President” jersey that passed out when he caught a ball and forget all about the suffering children of Empty Mitt.

I think it will work.

I’m just a little disappointed in our fans. We’ve got all the pressure right now to keep the first-place lead and try to expand it.  Easier said than done when the Division is such a tight race and the President of your organization is looking to make moves with his players, and all you people can think about is the “Mai Tai Guy”?

At least Schwarber is proving his detractors wrong as he raked in two homers, three hits and two RBI during the Cincinnati series. If you ask me, I think Schwarber has earned an ice-cold one from the “Mai Tai Guy” while our fans have earned some aspirin.

Cheers!