Top 10 Ways Alfonso Soriano Can Be Worth $18M A Season

I think I’ve said this many times before: Sometimes at Cubbies Crib, we like to cut loose.

There may be a correlation between sitting down with a deliciously cold, citrus-bitter India Pale Ale from my favorite brewery and writing what are considered “useless” columns, but there’s some value in having some fun in my job.

Today’s Sunday sampler is the top ten ways Alfonso Soriano can merit his outrageous $18 million dollar a year salary for the Cubs. Hope you enjoy.

10. Have his WAR match his SLG%.

9. Donate blood while running down a deep fly ball and signing autographs for orphans – every single game. 

Sept. 30, 2012; Phoenix, AZ, USA; Chicago Cubs batter Alfonso Soriano (12) during a game against the Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field. The Cubs won 7 to 2. Mandatory Credit: Jennifer Hilderbrand-US PRESSWIRE

8. Travel back in time to 2003 and convince Steve Bartman that the game is just as good at home on the TV.

7. Learn to pitch more effectively than Carlos Marmol.

6. Begin a voodoo ritual ceremony that will heal Ian Stewart and convince the Dodgers to pay $18M for Luis Valbuena next season.

5. Have a K% in the negatives.

4. Commit only 1 error a season… wait a minute….

3. Lay off the low and away sliders. Seriously. 

2. Create an anti-aging serum that keeps Anthony Rizzo 23 for the remainder of time.

1. Not become a Scott Boras client.  

Hope all the readers out there had a great weekend!