Jun 23, 2013; Chicago, IL, USA; Chicago Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo (44) is congratulated by teammates Nate Schierholtz (right) and Ryan Sweeney after hitting a two-run home run against the Houston Astros during the eighth inning at Wrigley Field. Mandatory Credit: Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

Shun The Heretic! – The Chronicles Of Converting A Non-Baseball Fan Part II


This column is part 2 of a series of promo-blogs. To catch up, read part 1 at this link.

In what was probably one of the funnest interviews I’ve ever conducted, I recently had the opportunity to get in touch with sex.com’s lead writer Chico Dusty. No, no that kind of touching you sick bastard.

We certainly managed to still have a pile of fun through the process and the interview is just off the chain. My objective, for those of you who aren’t caught up, was to convert Chico to a baseball fan as he is already a massive hockey fan.

We discuss Cubs baseball, tradition, and I even get Chico to take a stance on the DH potentially coming to the NL. This interview was conducted through an online chat medium, and since it’s 2013, I chose to leave the style “as is” in order to preserve the eb and flow of the conversation. I’m certain you’ve all chatted online before and know what I mean.

This goes without saying, but the following content is pretty mature at times so if you’re under 18, don’t tell your parents you’re reading this.

Chico Dusty:What up? I’m online.

Andrew Denny: Jesus, that was fast.

 

Chico: Skatepark, pizza, dep (Canadian for beer store), and home are all in a five block radius. No rushing.

 

Andrew: Not bad. Alright you wanna do this thing?

 

Chico: Yeah, how?

 

Andrew: Ths method is fine. I wanna keep a transcript of it

 

Chico: Ok cool, lead me to the promised land.

 

Andrew: First off, is there Cubs porn? I just have to know…

 

Chico: As far as I know there’s only one picture. It’s a British model called Nicole Neal that’s totally naked wearing a Cubs jacket. But there’s so much porn on the internet and porn that exists only on VHS and film even that there’s probably more of it. Rule 34 -
if it exists, there’s porn of it.

 

Andrew: Damn, Nicole Neal is hotter than hell too.

 

Chico: Nicole Neal, Babe of the Year

 

Andrew: I’ll have to do more non baseball related investigation. Safe to say you’re a hockey fan over most sports? Except wet tshirt contests.

 

Chico: Well hockey will always be first. That just comes with being Canadian. Wet t-shirt contests are ok but they’ve started doing these blowjob competitions on webcam. I’ve never seen one but I definitely back the idea. But if i had to rank them in terms of baseball it would go: hockey and blowjob. then it would go wet t-shirt, basketball, football (canadian and american), tennis, golf, soccer, and then baseball. The only reason baseball is on the list is because my roommate is from NYC and he loves the Yankees.

 

Andrew: Pass my sympathies on to your roomie. SO baseball couldn’t be any lower. What about darts. Baseball over darts?

 

Chico: Oh sure. If you consider darts to be a real sport, it’d rank higher than baseball.

 

Andrew: Getting down to the root here, where does the lack of appeal come from? Aside from being a Canadian and getting to write about porn for a living. Id be distracted too.

 

Chico: Here are the problems with baseball: the seasons have way too many games. The NFL has got it figured out because the entire season is do or die. NHL and NBA have 82 game seasons, which can get long but it’s still manageable. I have no idea how baseball fans have the patience, time or attention span to watch 462 games a season. It’s too much.
#2

 

Andrew: holy shit that was all one point? better strap in here.

 

Chico: Haha i’m sorry. I’m so sorry. #2 – the game itself has no flow. There’s nothing better than a hockey game where the action is going back and forth, the clock is running and the action is non-stop. Everyone is just chilling for hours in baseball.
#3
The players make too much money. There’s just too much money in the MLB in general at least from my perspective as someone who doesn’t know a single thing about it. How can fans relate to players when they’re signed to outrageous contracts, you know?

 

Andrew: you played ball as a kid, right?

 

Chico: Just one year. were we on the same team?

 

Andrew: Pretty sure we were. All I remember is stuffing my hat full of dirt and eating grass. Sound about right?

 

Chico: That does sound about right. my role on that team was morale. Keep the morale high by doing stupid shit. I don’t think I ever went up to bat or played in the field.

 

Andrew: Huh. Now that wouldn’t help your lack of love for the game at all. So think about it this way: The classic bottom 9 bases loaded 2 away, man on second, tie game situation. Does the buildup to that situation not stir your loins in the slightest?

 

Chico: hm… not really

 

Andrew: Do you have a pulse?

 

Chico: The tension of the other fans in the building would make me tense, but otherwise not really.

 

Andrew: But all it takes is one pitch to win or one swing to lose. It could be as simple as choosing the wrong pitch, missing the location, or even seeing the ball grip as soon as the pitch is delivered. SO many variables are at play with infinite outcomes. Glory for the victor and utter humiliation for the loser. GROWN MEN falling to their knees and weeping! This does nothing for you?

 

Chico: But it’s all stationary until that pitch is thrown or, God willing, the hit is a made. The variables and infinite outcomes are there in hockey and basketball but there’s utter mayhem in those dying seconds and that’s what i want out of professional athletes. Also, problem #4 with baseball, these guys are supposed to be athletes! You got teams full of fat guys.

 

I’m having so much fun, by the way.

 

Andrew: Good. I didn’t have an agenda for this at all. And you’re right about the big boys in ball. Just look at Pablo Sandoval.

 

Chico: I actually know who that is. I must admit, I saw the playoff game where he hit all those home-runs.

 

Andrew: Well look at you! Watching baseball eh?

 

Chico: If baseball was all home-runs, it would be sick. I was at a friend’s place who had it on and I was complaining the whole time. Except when fatty hit those homeruns. Otherwise, I don’t get it.

 

Andrew: There’s a lot of buzz around bringing the DH position to the National League, which would arguably generate more home-runs. I can assume this movement has your support?

 

Chico: Well… what does this position entail? Is it controversial? Has it divided baseball fans? I need more info, dog.

 

Andrew: Essentially, you’re just a hitter. You don’t play a position defensively and hit for the pitcher in your lineup. The AL does it already. They want to make it universal across the MLB and people love/hate the idea.

 

Chico disappears for a while.

 

Chico: Sorry for the delay there. I had to get another beer and ate some of my roomate’s food which was so spicy, it hurt.

 

Andrew: No sweat.

 

Chico: So why are there no conferences in baseball? Why the heck is it not east/west and why do they have different “leagues” with different rules? Different rules should not be allowed in a professional sports league. Everybody should play by the same rules (reason #5)

 

Andrew: They technically do have conferences and they’re divided via east, central and west. I’m now putting you up as poster boy for the DH in the NL.

 

Chico: But there’s the American and National League right?

 

Andrew: That is correct.

 

Chico: Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down. What is the DH in the NL? Are you insulting me?!

 

Andrew: No, not yet at least hahah. It’s the designated hitter position we talked about. They don’t have it in the NL, but they DO have it in the AL. Fucking Canadians… hahaha.

 

Chico: Yeah, we’re a little slow, eh?

 

Andrew: Or just half baked all the time.

 

The conversation takes a turn at this point that is a little too racy for this network, so I’m forced to edit it out.

 

Andrew: Now, I’m no scientist, but I can deduce that I will never ever convince you to be a baseball fan. Do you think having the awesome job of working in porn has phased your interests in slower paced games?

 

Chico: No, you’ll just have to work me. We should see a baseball game together because I know a few things about league news and some history/storylines in baseball, which is super important when following a sport. That’s what makes every game exciting but I’m starting to realize that I’m not even sure how it’s played.

 

Andrew: Oh NOW you tell me that!

 

Chico: I know. I should have told you. I feel bad now.

 

Andrew: Have another beer – it’ll go away.

 

Chico: See, I am just so confused by the idea that the rules are different between conferences that I need to see the game. I had no idea. As a matter of fact, put me on the poster for the DH in the NL because no consistency in the rules between teams is crazy.

 

Andrew: You got it. Luckily, AL and NL teams seldom play each other. But you did have a rational thought about baseball and I’ll count that as a win. As for catching that game, name a city and I’ll gladly fly out and meet you there. Part two of the Chico Dusty saga.

 

Chico: Chicago, baby. That’s what I want to see. I need to know why you support the losing-est franchise in sports history when you’re not even from Chicago. Worse yet, you’re Canadian too! Just don’t cheer for the Blue Jays because Toronto sucks.

 

Andrew: Hard to explain Chicago. Best baseball fans in the world there.

 

Chico: Baseball fans are that good? Why are Cubs fans still Cubs fans despite the losing?

 

Andrew: It’s just a true baseball fan’s club. The satisfaction of when they win will be insurmountable.

 

Chico: That’s fucking cool. I’m in to that. No matter how long it takes, they’ll eventually win. It has to happen. Chinese Democracy happened, so anything is possible. Shit will get crazy when the Cubs win. Still don’t like basbeall, but I do have a new respect for Cubs fans right now. I always thought they we’re stupid, just like those god damned Ottawa Senators (NHL hockey club).

 

Andrew: I think the Cubs will win a world series before the Senators win the Stanley Cup.

 

Chico: Sure, I’ll take that bet. Will the Cubs win it all this year?

 

Andrew: Uh… no.

 

Chico: Ok good. As long as I don’t lose this year, Imma take that bet.

 

Andrew: And the punishment for the loser?

 

Chico: Death.

 

Andrew: So let it said, so it shall be done.

 

Chico: It is done. We have a scumbag’s agreement.

 

Andrew: Fantastic. Thanks for the time Chico. All the best.

 

Chico: Cheers. I need a smoke real bad, anyway.

 

Tags: Chicago Cubs Chico Dusty