The Chicago Cubs need your help. They’re trying to find the unidentified dipshit who tossed a glass of beer on Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino Wednesday night at Wrigley. Any fan willing to turn stoolie and hand this guy over to the cops will be rewarded with season tickets…to the Cardinals.
Cause really, who in their right mind would want Cubs season tickets after witnessing that debacle last night?
The team may have been angry at the beer-tosser for besmirching the good name of Wrigley (snicker), but Cub fans were probably grateful to be distracted from what was going on between the white lines. To call that game brutal would be an insult to brutality. Only the Carthaginians can relate to what Philadelphia did to the Cubs. And perhaps the Detroit Lions.
Actually, when you look at the line-score, you realize that most of the game wasn’t that bad. Just subtract that 8-run 4th inning and, you know what? The Cubs really won!
Unfortunately, in baseball, you don’t get to just erase 8-run 4th innings. Just like, in life, you don’t get to erase that moment of silliness when you decided to chuck the beer on the other team’s outfielder, and became the most wanted man since Dillinger.
Is that Ben Stiller in the Fukudome headband?